@lmwortho I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
@SexytotheNorth [First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
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@lmwortho 
@SteveSuckington Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
@1Happytwit Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
@Breadery “I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
@DearAuntAbby It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
@EdgarPoop1 Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
@dogfather [at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
@Dani_Feld Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
@KeetPotato “if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
@TheToddWilliams [blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan