First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
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MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
wish me luck lads
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks