[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
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Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
This is me 🤣🤣
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!