[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
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I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?