First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
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I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge