[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
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I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
rise and shine we got egg
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Mood.. 😂
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?