[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
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Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
do what now??
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans