[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
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“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Monday
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
New Tinder profile.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*