[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
You Might Also Like
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Wikigenius
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-