[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
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Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…