[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
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My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
britain’s three elite institutions
Always leave them wanting their money back.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison