[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
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Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
The options really are this bad
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in