[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
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I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Trumpy Cat
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some