[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
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I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Banking tips
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I think I’ll stand
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”