[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
You Might Also Like
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
jesus christ confetti not now
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
🤣🤣🤣
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right