[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
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my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
good for her
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Chemical wingman