[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
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the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.