[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
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Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg