[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
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Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
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One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Pickled cat.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]