[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
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My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
This was the best day of my life
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other