(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
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Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.