[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
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“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card