[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
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If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.