[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
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ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
the red hot silly peppers
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*