[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
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person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
These work great until they don’t.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.