@lovemydogduck My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
@AndrewChamings [first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
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@lovemydogduck 
@boyswearmugler [after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
@funnyordie Teamwork makes the dream work.
@TheEllenShow I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
@Eden_Eats If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
@BlindChow [football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
@KentWGraham I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
@LindaInDisguise I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
@Ideajuice The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
@EndhooS *stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets