My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
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guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
*Gets down on one knee*
Help my knee is made of magnets