[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
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Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.