*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
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drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Breaking news:
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.