[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
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My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?