[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
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First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
So we got a goldfish…
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?