First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
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Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I want this so bad
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.