[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
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So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Don’t we all.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.