{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
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I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”