[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
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Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving