[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
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Choose your fighter
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”