[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
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[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Just me and my debit card against the world
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.