[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
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Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
ACED my prostate exam!
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!