[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
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Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight