[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
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Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Effort made
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”