[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
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*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
If you are reading this then you are reading this
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
i think both sides are to blame here
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*