[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
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Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
finally found a reasonable question
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family