*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
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Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Donkey Kong sommelier
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.