[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
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Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool