First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
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[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal