*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
You Might Also Like
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My safe word is Worcestershire
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do