[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
You Might Also Like
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
*praying for world peace*
God:
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*