[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
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Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy