[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
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I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it