[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
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My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.