[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
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My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
We found love in a hopeless place.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED