[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
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Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Thursday
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.