[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
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The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
my mind
You just read my mind
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*